Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.