Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

Somebody’s lying.

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

me after eating Cheetos

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.