Haha! 馃槀
You Might Also Like
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 馃檪
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
People always tell you that you鈥檒l blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they鈥檒l probably go bad.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.