Haha! 馃槀
You Might Also Like
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you鈥檝e ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn鈥檛 fit in my main handbag
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
If I don鈥檛 get an A for my daughter鈥檚 school project, I鈥檓 gonna be pissed.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I鈥檓 texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I鈥檓 taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.