Haha! 😂
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Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Okay, I’m still confused…
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?