Haha! 😂
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Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
incredible text to wake up to
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?
Me: Yes
S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.