Haha! 😂
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You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Body by cheese-puffs.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm