Haha! 😂
You Might Also Like
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I hope Alan is OK
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free