Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
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I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.