Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
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Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Sorry not sorry.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?