Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

I…do not understand how electricity works.

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that