HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.