haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
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Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Taking phone security to the next level.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
The news is so predictable nowadays
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.