Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.