Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?

T A S M A N I A

-Oh shit we called the wrong devils

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

Am getting real tired of your crap…

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

Bloody internet 😳

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

how much does a mortician urn in a year

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.