Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
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#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
We’re all getting idioter.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
