Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

Can you solve the riddle??

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

hmmm

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.