Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

wtf management?!

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.