Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
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Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir