Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.