Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
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me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider