Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
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*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Icarus loved hot wings.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
This classic never gets old . . .
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!