Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”

Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”

Me (checks watch): “1985.”

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”