haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
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I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
“you look easy to draw”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
What flavor cupcake are these
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me