haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
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I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
hmm conte-me mais
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Breaking news:
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)