haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
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Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work