haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
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Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.