haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
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Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.