Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad