Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.