Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

Me sliding into hell like

I might give this a try 😏

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito