Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.