Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.