Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
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“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
When the stylist spins you back around
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
be safe out there!
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker