Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
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Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one