Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
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I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus