Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
You Might Also Like
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
🏙👨🏼
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Body by cheese-puffs.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Something Saturday.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation