Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
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Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
me logging onto twitter
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too