haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
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“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever