Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

Muppet Screams

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.