haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
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Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?