haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
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[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.