Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
You Might Also Like
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
