Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

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My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!


Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was “LOL” and I was holding my statement upside down.


I just had ‘the talk’ with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn’t real.


Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.


Customer called today and asked if they needed an international passport to fly to Alaska.

They called the wrong number so of course I told them yes.


Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.


“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]


JESUS: heaven… must be missing an angel
ME: o gee thamk u jesus ur so sweet
JESUS: hehe
ME: hehe
JESUS: time to send u back
ME: wait no what


Next season on Game of Thrones they’re actually going to come to your house and start killing the people watching.


THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!