@BruceForce

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

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@PeachyPixel8

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

@dafloydsta

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

@caseytduncan

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

@thesulk

Next time you’re on an elevator with a stranger say, “If the doors open and it’s all zombies, let’s team up.”

@kurteichenwald

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

@WilliamAder

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

@notnotscotty

him: i can talk now

me: hey what’s up

him: i’m in the bathroom

me: yea me too what’s up

him: hang on some dumbass thinks i’m talking to him

me: lmao what an idiot

@mrjohndarby

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

@jjhartinger

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

@jimmy_sharpe

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.