Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

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Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*


*fade to black*


Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.


The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.


Next time you’re on an elevator with a stranger say, “If the doors open and it’s all zombies, let’s team up.”


Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.


Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.


him: i can talk now

me: hey what’s up

him: i’m in the bathroom

me: yea me too what’s up

him: hang on some dumbass thinks i’m talking to him

me: lmao what an idiot


went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw


If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.


Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.