@BruceForce

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

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@Dutch_50

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

@Parentpains

Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was “LOL” and I was holding my statement upside down.

@mishakey

I just had ‘the talk’ with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn’t real.

@aveuaskew

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

@bonita_bish

Customer called today and asked if they needed an international passport to fly to Alaska.

They called the wrong number so of course I told them yes.

@david8hughes

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

@oxygenplug

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

@jonnysun

JESUS: heaven… must be missing an angel
ME: o gee thamk u jesus ur so sweet
JESUS: hehe
ME: hehe
JESUS: time to send u back
ME: wait no what

@GaryJanetti

Next season on Game of Thrones they’re actually going to come to your house and start killing the people watching.

@panmidwest

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?