Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
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Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
couldn’t resist
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
yeah not falling for this one
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”