Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.