Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed