Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

Breaking news:

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

Baking is just science you can eat.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

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