Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
You Might Also Like
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.