Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

[McDonald’s interview]

Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working

Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*

Sorry it’s out of order

Interviewer: when can you start?

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

twitter users today:

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.