haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
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HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it