haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
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Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex