haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
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My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”