haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Siri, fight Alexa.
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies