@spinubzilla

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

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@OneFunnyMummy

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

@iamspacegirl

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

@kyry5

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

@ilikeyouguys

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

@SoulYodeler

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

@ObscureGent

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

@Moldy_Jellybean

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

@Jandalize

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

@UberFacts

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.