haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

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On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.


when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit


[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME


You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check


I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.


Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.


I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.


Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.


I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.


Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.