haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
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Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.