haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
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Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Fries, not lies.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
