haha same
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Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
The opposite of goth is stopth.