haha same
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Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
the three genders
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Every work call, he judges.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
All is fair in drunk and war.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.