haha same
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ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.