Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)

cashier: sure that’ll be $25

me: ok

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.