“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
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Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit