Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog