haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
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Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I found your tweet-up…
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently