“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
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[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her