Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
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me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.