Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

estão todos miauvindo?

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

That’s amazing.

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.