“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
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Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…