Haha! 😂
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How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
This is enough internet for the day.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
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HEYYYY MACARENA