Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
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Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
oppen heimer style lol
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I really had high hopes for this year though
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts