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When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.


Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?


I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”


I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.


God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.


I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.


When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play


Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.


Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.