[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
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[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
knights of the ikea table
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign