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@RandomAntics

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

@FredTaming

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

@SuperApple80

No Botox for me, thanks. I just keep getting fatter to fill out the wrinkles.

@PaperWash

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

@CheckMeowTBruh

[social pariah]
I’m an undesirable. I have been excommunicated from society doomed to walk this Earth forever alone & unloved.

[social piranha]
ALAN! MY MAN! I’D LOVE TO GO TO THE BAR! GIMME A SEC! A KID JUST FELL IN THE LAKE, YOU KNOW I CAN’T DRINK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH!

@NewDadNotes

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

@Storminika

I’m lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You’ll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.

@NYC_Blonde

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

@DiamondLou69

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

@moose_chocolate

I’m a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I’m Usain Bolt.