Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
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smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
No Botox for me, thanks. I just keep getting fatter to fill out the wrinkles.
God: kill your son
God: holy shit I’m jk
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
I’m an undesirable. I have been excommunicated from society doomed to walk this Earth forever alone & unloved.
ALAN! MY MAN! I’D LOVE TO GO TO THE BAR! GIMME A SEC! A KID JUST FELL IN THE LAKE, YOU KNOW I CAN’T DRINK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH!
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I’m lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You’ll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
I’m a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I’m Usain Bolt.