Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
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Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?