Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
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Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Welcome to the stomach
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside