Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
My dress code is business-casualty.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”