Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
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“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
No Google it does not
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right