Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
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Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
We need to put an American base on the sun
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!